When Your House is on Fire, There are No Excuses - The Depression Denial

I sometimes get the question "What do you do if you can't afford therapy?" Well, what do you do if your house is on fire? You get out. What do you do if your child is about to cross the road and a car is coming? You reach out to save that child. It is easy to try to push things with depression, because it is not visible. It is tempting to think the following:

• “If I just wait this one out, I will be fine. I can handle it.” 
• “If I push myself and pretend things are fine, no one will find out, and I won’t risk my image.” 
• “If I just had more money, I would get help.” 

It is not as easy when the damage is physical, because with a broken leg, you can’t pretend that things are fine, and you are more motivated to seek help urgently. 

If you can't afford it, find a way. Take a loan, raise money, cut down on spending, whatever you need to do. There are also free services such as the Improving Access to Psychological Therapies (IAPT) programme. Instead of delaying getting support for different reasons, ask yourself “What can I do right now, to get the help I need?”.

The main point in this blog post though, is that you do what it takes even it means having pasta with tomato sauce for two weeks, living on £5 a week for food, no clothes shopping and so on.

When you deal with mental health issues, such as depression, getting yourself better needs to be a nr 1 priority. If one doesn't seek support, the illness will continue to affect everything in life: work, friendships, family, studies and so on.

In the words of Dr Phil McGraw, "You either get it or you don't". There is never a right time to seek help. The action is initiated through the realisation that how I feel and what I do affect my life and other people to the extent, that there is no point in trying to hide/deny things; I need to get help now. What is the alternative? 

Are you living in the Past, Present or Future? - Tapes, Traps & Time Freeze

In two weeks (15 Dec) I will be holding the next motivational seminar 'Back to the Present: How to Avoid Living in the Past or Future'. This is such an important topic due to the amount of issues with mental health including depression and anxiety.

Many people either define themselves by past events and the tape becomes played over and over again in their heads, or they play the 'What if' game, alternative postpone their fulfilment.

Past events may include different forms of abuse (physical, emotional, sexual), traumas (injuries, separations), losses (job, bereavement) and so on. The events were so serious, that although time has passed, the person has frozen and is mentally reliving the events each day.

Similarly, one may be focussing too much on the future. When an opportunity presents itself, it marks the kick off of the 'What if' game: 'What if I fail?', 'What if the person gets angry', 'What if I embarrass myself' and so on.

The issue is that the 'What If' game is rarely played until the end. The actual ending of the game may look like this:

• 'What if I fail' - Then you learnt what you need to improve and you will do better next time'
• 'What if the person gets angry?' - 'If that happens, you will know you did things with good intentions and will be able to explain it to him/her.'
• 'What if I embarrass myself?' - 'People are most often more concerned about themselves, and they will forget about it very soon.'

Another futuristic trap is to believe that happiness and fulfilment is always out there; that right now things suck, but if I only get a job, find a partner, have more money, then I will be happy.

The key to all of the above is to be here now, in the present. On the 15th I will share with you the tools on how you can focus more living in the Now.

Maybe you recognise yourself in the above examples? Then I would love to see you at the seminar!

Take care,

Hermine

The Pension Prison

In the documentary 'Queen of Versailles', Jackie Siegel says that her turning point came while working at IBM. 

"I came into the office early one day and I asked my manager, "Which project are you working on?" 

He said, "I wrote my own programme to count down the years, days, months, weeks, minutes, down to the second of when I retire."

I said, "Well, why would you do that?" 

He said ,"Because that is when I am going to start living my life."  

I said, "Wow!"  

I put in my resignation."

The above recount shows a perfect example of what I call the 'Pension Prison'. It is a place where you become an inmate when your focus on time until you are "set free" to enjoy life, instead of finding ways to enjoy things now.

Your constant cellmates are Pessimism, Passivity and (Self) Pity, all of which feature in each of the examples below. I have met people who: 

• believe that they can't find another job if they leave their current position. If they managed to find a new position, it would be in a dollar store 
• Say they will never set their foot in the workplace again once they have retired, and that they will stay far away
• Focus on the things they will do when retired, while complaining about the present
• Have spent numerous year with the same employer and still complain frequently about tasks although they are part of the job specification

I have also seen big announcements by staff members on the noticeboard, about finally retiring. More than saying goodbye and showing appreciation, the messages have sounded like great exhales of relief.  

The key lesson for me is to find reasons and ways to enjoy the present moment. That is how we attract more joy, fulfillment and other things we want. When we complain and sigh heavily for each task, we attract what we don't want: boredom, negativity and passivity. 

As Eckhart Tolle puts it in 'The Power Now' 

“...the past gives you an identity and the future holds the promise of salvation, of fulfillment in whaterver form. Both are illusions.” 

For Pension Prisoners, retirement holds the promise of salvation ('One day I will be gone from this place. When I walk out through those doors, I will never return'). However, the only time we have is now. Tolle explains the illusion of time this way:

“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time—past and future—the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.”

What if each time we dream about retirement, we lose another moment which could have been spent soaking up the present. How do we even know there will be retirement? We never know which day will be our last on Earth. There was one employee who retired after more than 40 years with the organisation and shortly after sadly passed away. I hope that he enjoyed his work.

How Weddings Reflect the Relationship between God and Us

If you asked me what my favourite type of traditional event is, I would say weddings. It may not come as a surprise. However, my fancy for weddings goes beyond the 7 layer cakes, amazing wedding dresses and white swans.

I like weddings because you get to see the true nature of two people, deciding that they will entrust someone with their heart and future, and to keep that bond for the rest of their lives.

Sounds familiar? That's exactly how I feel about my relationship with God. When I gave my life to Him, I decided that whatever I did was going to be for His glory, and that I wouldn't be afraid if it meant risking it all - or gaining it all.

It is not about being religious; it is simply acknowledging that there is a power greater than myself and that I am not here by accident.

One of my relatives got married yesterday. As the groom declared his promise to his wife of being there for her, I could tell that there was nervousness in the air; 100+ people watching him speak from his heart, and taking a new direction in his life.

Similarly, who wouldn't feel nervous declaring their commitment to God and say exactly what they felt in front of all those people? However, the bride and groom said the words, and so have I at church. After all, courage is doing something despite fear.

Next time you're at a wedding, consider that the couple up at the altar is actually God's reflection of your relationship with Him.

Don't be Afraid of the Dark

Stockholm at night. 

Darkness can be scary but it can also be comforting. Many people ask me what it was like living in the land of Nordic Noir (Sweden has ca. 4 hours of daylight in the winter (average: 5.24 hours of daylight per day)). I tell them that some people find it difficult, but that I actually find it quite nice and cosy. (It helps that my birthday and Christmas take place in the winter!).

On a dark evening, you can cuddle up in a nice chair, with some hot chocolate, a good book, and enjoy the warmth and comfort of being inside. Darkness also inspires me to invent stories: about murder mysteries, thrillers and so on. 

The cold has a tendency to sweep things away. Walking down the street in the dark, biting cold can be a solemn, quiet and peaceful experience. Warmth makes things come alive: darkness makes my thoughts come to life. I always write better in the evening, find more peace and inspiration. I can look out the window and admire the beautiful city lights of Luton.

Just like there have been dark parts of your life, they don't have to be scary or something to shy away from. If you can find a way to be inspired by that darkness, to walk in it in peace, then it can even be comforting.

Your Story is Bigger than You

We all have a story which is bigger than us. That is because our lives are not coincidental, we were planned before the beginning of time to be here and carry out our mission. 

Furthermore, we all have talents, and when we share those, you can feel the fire. Some people are like fireworks; they shoot up to the sky, before they fade away. Others keep their fire burning longer. Some people shine in the public eye, others sparkle behind the scenes. All fiery passions are equally important. 

I watched Gudrun Schyman (leader of a Swedish feminist party) talk at a rally once, and although there were only a handful of people there, I could feel the fire and passion in her speech. It didn't matter if there were 1 or 1000 people watching: she spoke for a different reason, a higher purpose. 

I hope to be able to share my passion similarly and that my fire will help you glow! On the 22nd of this month I gave a motivational seminar in Luton, and it went beyond expectations! People sharing stories and coming up to chat awards: it was simply great. 

Before each seminar I make sure I prepare, but even so, you sometimes feel a slight nervousness. However, before this session, somehow I felt really calm and focused. It was as if sharing my story and motivating others was part of something bigger. 

The session had a great flow, and I instinctively felt I knew what to say. People told me later that the session had helped change their perceptions, which was great. 

During feedback afterwards, one lady even said she wanted to hear more about certain parts, such as the similarities between depression and addiction (mentioned previously in the blog) and the 10 life lessons. 

If you want to find out more about the life lessons and other topics, there will be further sessions in the near future, including webinars! 

Hope to see you there!  

Have a nice Sunday! 

x / Hermine

Faith, Hope and Love

At the moment there is a popular reality TV series being broadcasted in Sweden, 'Tro, hopp och kärlek' ('Faith, hope and love'). It centers on 4 vicars looking for love. Each person selects 7-8 people that they want to date and find out more about (based on applications to their profiles.) During each episode the pastors get closer to their decision who they are most interested in, and consequently say goodbye to those who showed to be less of a suitable partner.

 Participants on the show 'Tro, hopp och kärlek'. Copyright: SVT

Personally, I love this type of series about people looking for love and going on dates. What I particularly like about this show is that it proves that no matter your age, people still look for love in their 50's, 60's and so on,  and still feel like "a 14 year old" when on a date.

One thing that most participants have said once they have found their match, is that they can be themselves with that person, that they feel relaxed and at ease. In addition, a common reflection is that they can talk about anything with the other person, but also just be quiet.

In a country, where almost half of the homes are single households (mostly in big cities like Stockholm, Gothenburg and Malmö), TV series like the above are becoming increasingly popular (e.g. 'Love at first sight' about people meeting for the first time at the altar, broadcasted earlier this year).

Even when you have found yourself (and God), there is still the challenge and adventure of finding the other half. That search can take place at any age, but still creates the same excitement when the destiny seems near. It is watching people never giving up that hope, that makes me get excited about a new episode each week.

Linear-active vs. Multi-active cultures: A Cinematic Case Study

Intercultural skills can help save you a lot of frustration, as I experienced last night. Me and my husband went to see 'The Walk' about wire walker Philippe Petit who made it a mission to walk between the two Twin Towers. 

Actually deciding to watch the movie meant 'walking the walk' for me, as I had shivered each time I watched the trailer, due to slight acrophobia. 

So there we were seated, munching on the Cadbury bars. About a third into the movie I noticed 3 people behind us, '4 o' clock', chatting. My guess was that they were of South Asian descent, due to accent. I tell myself it is only a few whispers, until one of their mobile phones starts flashing. As the movie gains intensity, so do their voices. My husband, in a typical English fashion, turns around and gives them a strict 'look'. 

Halfway into the movie, after constant chatting from the upper row, my husband decides to go and speak to the staff, to avoid 'causing a scene'. Again, very English. 

A member of staff enters the screen room and respectfully tells the speaking spectators to be quiet. As Petit takes his first steps on the wire, I am finally able to fully focus. 

In the above situation, anyone could easily have been frustrated. "Why can't they just be quiet?". "I've paid £10 to watch the movie, I'm going to enjoy it, d**n it". 

I don't believe the people chatting were 'naughty'; my guess is that they come from multi-active culture, e.g. India, where people often do several things at the same time (such as talking during a movie.) In linear-active cultures like the UK, people usually do one thing at a time. Just like Petit's walk, it is one step at a time on a straight line. Similarly, members of linear-active societies dislike jumping to other activities, before the former tasks have been finished. 

In multi-active cultures, many people believe that flexibility with tasks, and focus on relationships is the quicker way to reach the goal. As an example, one can look at how people queue for the bus. Queueing and not cutting in line is of very high importance in the UK, while in other places like India or Spain, people tend form a group in front of the bus entrance. 

Are you from a linear-active or multiactive culture? Do you want to find out more about how to improve your cross cultural skills? Visit my website www.herminehodson.com 

What's your purpose in life?

Piggies can teach you a lot. Not a moment goes by opening a plastic bag without them 'oinking' with excitement. Each time they believe I am bringing them fresh grass from the garden. I try and give them a green treat every day, and they get just as excited each time. They will stand next to the cage opening, ready to dig in. As I put the grass in the grass, they will dive under it and bury themselves under the straws, so much that I can't even spot them.

They were made for grass, and grass was made for them: a perfect union. I believe each time they smell those handpicked straws, they connect with their purpose as a prey animal: to eat.

I also believe that we feel the same excitement when we discover something related to our purpose. When I deliver a training session, or watch Dr Phil, I forget time and become devoured by what I am doing in a good way. I get filled with excitement each time before talking to a group, or a new episode is out. That is because those above things relate to my purpose: I love analysing and helping people. (Thankfully I don't start 'oinking' like those fur balls at home!)

What is it that when you do it, you forget about space and time? What fills you up with excitement? The piggies can smell grass from the other end of the room. What are you looking forward to do, tomorrow, a week, a year from now?

Let me know and have a great week!

(Check out the munch bunch below!)

/Hermine

Intercultural Training and Life Coaching

I am in the business of culture and confidence. Through intercultural training I help organisations develop their communication skills (incl. negotiation, etiquette, body language) and cultural knowledge to strengthen relationships with partners and clients across cultures.

Confidence is an essential part when dealing with someone from a different culture; understanding the values, social codes and business etiquette rules helps you navigate safely when doing business abroad.

Confidence is also key part of what I do, since it is often a missing piece of the puzzle when taking a new direction in your life. By having someone there to listen to you, taking you seriously, create action plans, and follow up on your progress, your confidence increases significantly. 

When I arrived to Spain in 1999, I was unaware of cultural differences, since I had never been therefore. The first year I felt intimidated because I thought everyone was talking so loud, and gesticulating so much! Little did I know that the high expression of feelings in Spain were signs of sincerity. The more I held back, the more it looked like I was covering up, or hiding something. The more emotions you show, the more you give the impression of showing your pure self! 

After a couple of years I stopped feeling alarmed and adapted instead, to "survive". As a modest Swede, it was challenging to express more emotions, but boosting myself  up brought confidence being in Castilian territory. 

After having spent several years in the Spanish capital, my voice will now instantly rise, and my hands will start moving each time I speak Spanish! 

Your "particular set of skills"

Everyone has talent, a purpose in life to fulfill. However, discovering that talent and your niche market in life can be challenging. Some people are still looking for that special skill that they can zoom in on in their 50’s, and others seem to know what it is when they are 5. No matter how long it takes to find it, there is something out there that you are really good at.

Earlier this year, Dagens Nyheter (Swedish newspaper) wrote that Eric Schüldt, a Swedish radio show host received the Lagercrantz award earlier this year for his Saturday morning hit programme (among other projects) where he comments on mainly classical music.

After the award was announced journalist Åsa Beckman came to visit him. She had pictured Schüldt’s living room full of music sheet, busts of famous composers and records. Upon arrival, Beckman noted that on the contrary, the living room was “white and naked like a monastery cell. A piece of harsh ryebread, Marcel Proust’s ‘In Search of Lost Time’ on the workdesk plus a Russian Orthodox image of Christ. The only object which doesn’t look ascetic is a swivel chair in 70’s kitsch leather imitation with ditto foot stool.”

Schüldt said that that is where he sits and selects music for his show. He also stated that he prefers listening to music in earphones, rather than attending concerts, because then he feels that the music speaks just to him. During his university studies in journalism, he didn’t do well when it came to writing news stories, doing reports and so on. The only thing he was good at was good at was radio. The first time someone reacted positively on what he did was when he did radio broadcasts for a student channel.

As I read the article, I thought “Wow, there really is something for everyone.” I was impressed and fascinated by how Schüldt kept working at what he was good at, radio, and even more, analysing classical music, a true niche are in today’s music scene.

Our job is to keep testing, keep trying new things, until things click, someone comments on our talent, and that feedback gives us a hint. You may not be interested in the traditional areas of work, but there is always something you can excel in, even such specialised things such as listening to music in a white room.

"Fame is other people's perception of who you are"

As I was reading Markus 'Notch' Persson tweets earlier, I was reminded of the phrase stated by Oprah Winfrey regarding fame: "Fame is other people's perception of who you are." In other words, you can never experience yourself the same way another person would.

Persson is the founder of the famous online videogame 'Minecraft' in which you use blocks (similar to lego) to build anything you want. The game has won several awards and the company behind the game, Mojang, was bought by Microsoft in 2014 for $2.5 billion (£1.5 billion).

The purchase dramatically turned around Persson's life and he soon purchased a mansion in Beverly Hills for $70 million (ca. £45 million), outbidding Jay-Z and Beyonce.

While many of us look up to the lifestyle of the rich and famous, we are still observers. However, if we were in their shoes, would we still experience things in a positive way?

I think the tweet below speaks volumes about the joy and adventure being in the journey, not the destination.

Markus PerssonVerified account‏@notch

The problem with getting everything is you run out of reasons to keep trying, and human interaction becomes impossible due to imbalance.

• RETWEETS1,712
• FAVOURITES2,586
• 

2:48 a.m. - 29 Aug 2015

Some years ago, I received a large sum of insurance money due to a dog bite in Italy. I love shopping and treating myself once a month after I get my paycheck. I even like window shopping since I get to plan what I will buy next.

However, after I received the lump sum, the excitement of buying one of those pretty expensive dresses, just vanished. It was as if when I knew I could by the dress (and the shoes, necklace, bag), I no longer sought the objects, they became every day things. As Persson stated, I was no longer trying, I had the money.

If I suddenly started earning millions and was hanging on Ibiza with celebrities, how would I know which ones were interested in me as a person, and which ones were interested in the money? Suddenly there's an imbalance.

I believe the key to keep oneself grounded is to do something for work, that you would do even if you weren't earning a penny, to have people around you who knew you before you acquired your wealth and will treat you the same way as before, and remember that happiness comes from the inside wherever we are in life.

Blue space, green space

I am a big fan of Dr Sonal Minocha, former Executive Dean at the University of Bedfordshire Business School. She was the winner of 'Asian Academic of the Year' at the Asian Voice Political and Public Life Awards in 2013, and shortlisted for the award 'Woman of the Year' at the 2012 Asian Achievers Awards.

Not only does she have an impressive background, but also a greatly inspiring way of thinking.

A few years ago I attended a department meeting at the University. Dr Minocha was giving a talk, and it completely surprised me by the amount of vision and innovation that transcended her presentation.

One of the things Dr Minocha mentioned was the difference between "green space" and "blue space". The "green space" (grass, ground) is the area where a lot of people reside, with limiting beliefs, focusing on what is practical and realistic.

The "blue space" (sky) represents an 'out of the box' mentality, 'sky's the limit' thinking, persistence and hope. Focusing on the "blue space" requires courage and faith that can lift your wings. At the same time the area has no limits.

When I re-visited the Business School after working for the Faculty of Health and Social Sciences, I noticed that the previously white walls had been redecorated which inspirational quotes and photos of staff and students. My guess is Dr Minocha helped initiate the change. Near the entrance is one of my favourite quotes:

While I have attended several university seminars, Dr Minocha's speech was certainly one which stood out, and her admirable resume, shows that she believes in, and is an excellent example, of the success of the 'blue space' mentality.

The Waiting Game

I believe that to feel fulfilled in life one sometimes needs to take big risks. Like my husband said about having a plan B: "Sometimes you  need a 'plan G' - God's plan. Taking the step and starting your own business, or moving abroad can seem daunting, but not taking the step could leave you unfulfilled and 'lost in life'.

I also believe sticking to the 'G plan' means living in the present and finding peace and joy inside, aware that we are not our possessions or our performance at work.

When we don't take the step to follow a higher purpose for our life, we risk end up in a 'Waiting Game' that ends up controlling our life: waiting for Friday, waiting for the weekend, waiting for payday, summer, Christmas, holiday, graduation, pension, finding a partner... you know the dealio. Just fill in the blanks.

Many lives become shaped after the 'Waiting' rulebook, which basically says "Work hard and await your turn to enjoy life off work." Research shows that not only are people happier on weekends but also experience fewer aches and more energy between Friday evening and Sunday afternoon.

However, as stated in the wide known book 'The Power of Now: A Guide to Spiritual Enlightenment' (Eckhart Tolle, 2004) all we have is the present moment:

“Realize deeply that the present moment is all you have. Make the NOW the primary focus of your life.” 

“Time isn’t precious at all, because it is an illusion. What you perceive as precious is not time but the one point that is out of time: the Now. That is precious indeed. The more you are focused on time—past and future—the more you miss the Now, the most precious thing there is.”  

After having read Tolle's work, I am determined not to end up in 'Waiting Game' but to practise being here right now, turning down the volume of my thoughts and focusing more on the silent space between breaths.

Aligning your actions with God's purpose

I was in Sweden last week, visiting family and friends, but also to get a break away from work and the normal daily duties and clear my head. My parents have a wonderful summer house called Sigridsberg about 1,5 hours from south of Stockholm. It is a place where you can truly find peace and quiet. As you step out from the car on arrival, there's just silence and a nice fresh smell.

In front of the house there is a big lake, perfect for swimming. One day, as I was watching the lake, it hit me that the water flowed perfectly in the same direction. All the litres of water somehow managed to join up and stream forward, consistently and peacefully. That is when I realised that God was trying to telling me to align my actions with his purpose. It is when we fight the stream, that natural flow, that we end up in trouble. Joel Osteen has said that God's grace is like a sat nav; wherever you are in life, there is always a way back to Him. The voice in our hearts always tries to get us back to our flow. Follow it. 

Earlier this evening I applied for a coaching course in management. I believe it is another step in the direction that God wants to take me and improve me so I can help others. Is there a step you can take to increase the flow in your life?

If you need some help, have a look at Joel Osteen's recent 'Night of Hope' in San Francisco. I know it will make you feel uplifted :) 

Empowering Beliefs

Last weekend I attended a Personal Coaching training event organised by the Coaching Academy. It was simply brilliant and I met lots of new people. Some people were there to improve their coaching skills in their work, and others in their roles as life coaches like me. 

The speakers were extraordinary and on fire. Some of them had gone through redundancy and realised that coaching was the right thing for them. Others had realised that they wanted a career change and taken a course. Apart from Personal Coaching, the trainers covered a wide range of types of coaching such as Confidence, Performance and Small Business Coaching. 

We talked about limiting beliefs, which essentially are beliefs that hold you back, stopping you from taking the next step towards your goal. An important part to get to your goal is to overcome those beliefs. Limiting beliefs are things you tell yourself that hold you back and stop you from taking steps towards your objective. 

The way to challenge limiting beliefs is to invent new empowering beliefs which help you take action and replace them. Here are some examples: 

Limiting belief (LB): "I won't perform as well as other people".

Empowering belief (EB): "I am not better or worse than other people". 

LB: "I don't have enough money to do xxx." 

EB: "If I don't have enough money right now, I will find a way to get more."

Do you have any limiting beliefs? How could you replace those with positive, affirmative statements?

During the training session, I noticed a quote at the bottom of our workbook page:

"Whether you believe you can, or whether you believe you can't, you're probably right." (Henry T. Ford)

We might as well believe that we can, right?

Who are you?

In 'Masterclass' Jay-Z once mentioned how he spent hours writing rap lyrics as a child. His mother often pointed out the importance of hard work to get somewhere, and he always pictured this being getting a job and study hard.

However, one day he realised that all the time he had spent writing rap lyrics, listening to rap etc. was actually work. He just didn't see it as such, but more like an interest or a hobby.

Do you have a hobby, something that you spend a lot of time on? If so, that could be your work, preparing you for something greater. Perhaps you've thought of all those hours in the garden or baking as just something you do for fun? Well, you could earn money having fun, because it is a passion that God has put in your heart.

I attended a development day session for women during which we were asked to create an action plan for our careers. There was a lady there who during most of the workshop, repeated that she didn't know what to do and issues with family commitments. Towards the end of the workshop, me, a colleague and her were put in a group to discuss our plans.

The above mentioned lady suddenly mentioned how she used to make over 60 cookies for her kids' school and get up early to bake bread and cakes in the morning. The rest of us were surprised at finding this out but encouraged her to tell us more. It was clear what this woman loved to do: baking! And surely, at the end of the development day, she had transformed, her facial expression turned into a smile and she excitingly exclaimed: "I am a baker!"

What do you look forward to? What feels fun and effortless? And most importantly, who are you?

The grass is perfectly green

Hi everyone. Sorry it has been a while. This week I want to focus on mindfulness. The other day I updated my Samsung. The whole system was revamped and after the transformation I decided to change my lock screen.

Turns out that you can now select "Travel" shuffle images with your favourite destinations based on Trip Advisor. So now, each time I tap my phone I get a new image of Marrakech, Toronto, Taj Mahal, you name it. Sounds great, and the photos are stunning.

However, it made me think that shouldn't I just focus on what I am blessed with right where I am? Perhaps those photos just make me want to escape and long for a different place? Maybe Trip Advisor's teasers only create a need that isn't there and confirm the saying 'The grass is always greener...'?

I have finally decided to keep the images shuffling for a while to see how it feels. They are beautiful after all. I also try to focus on the present each time I see them, and remember that I have everything I need to be happy. Right here. Right now. All those feelings are already inside us. You don't need the Saint Tropez trip as a trigger. Sure it would be nice, but the joy can be experienced right now.

21 June was the first ever International Yoga Day. There's a great way to find contentment and peace in the moment.

The million dollar lesson

Yesterday my husband Josh launched the world premiere of his first short movie "The Million Dollar Question". As I watched him present the film to the ca. 40  viewers I was beaming with pride. "That's my husband" I thought. I also noticed how his sweater had shrunk slightly since I spun it too long in the washing machine. While it would have bothered me as presenter, Josh didn't seem concerned at all.

Someone said recently that true love is when you inspire each other. What I learnt yesterday was "Just do it" and to focus on initiative rather than perfect timing or "Do I have the right skills?"

I once attended a Business Link workshop for self starters. The speaker was an experienced businessman who told us that when he bought clothes he didn't focus on the price. He would ask a shop assistant how much the items were and negotiate a price. He also told us about having lost tens of millions of pounds in bankruptcy. Later he posed the question: If someone wanted help with a business, would they go for someone who never lost a business or the person who lost £70 million? Answer: The latter. Because he has done it. He has been at the top and tried things. He has the experience.

When soon-to-be Swedish Princess Sofia was asked about questionable past model photos, she replied that they are experiences, not mistakes. "Just do it" is better than "Do it perfectly".

Now that's a million dollar lesson.

Double Whammy

Nope, I am not talking about the delicious Ben & Jerry ice cream flavour. This time it is about that the feelings of negativity you can experience when someone treats you wrong. One of the definitions of 'double whammy' is 

"A situation that is bad in two different ways, a situation in which two bad conditions exist at the same time or two bad things happen one after the other."

(Source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary)  

A few years ago I worked at a summer camp for teenagers. At one point we were at the Science museum in London with the students. A colleague asked me to do something and I replied I would do it later. He then shouted in my face "Do it now!". I was really surprised by his reaction and upset. How could someone talk to me like that? I hadn't had any issues with the person previously.

It is after an incident like the above that the 'double whammy' feelings may set in. First you feel sad, upset, angry and disappointed that someone treated you unfairly. But on top of that, some of us ask "Why did he/she treat me like that, and not someone else?", "What did I do to invite/attract/accept such behaviour?". We want to understand the situation so badly that we even go to the lengths of taking responsibility for someone else's bad behaviour. You receive the first blow by the other person, and the second one from yourself. Who ends up feeling miserable? You. 

Children are actually some of the most vulnerable people to the 'double whammy', since they have a unique ability to take responsibility for other people's actions. That way they understand things that are beyond their control. If the parents are fighting the kids often feel accountable in addition to experiencing the drama at home. If the parents separate, the children may feel that they could have done something to stop it. The sense of guilt can be hard to get rid of.  But it is not the child who is responsible or in control, it is the parents as managers of the family. 

Another person's behaviour is always their responsibility. I used to think that I sent off signals of insecurity in my tone and body language that others felt and then thought it was ok to treat me disrespectfully. It was first when my husband pointed out that I don't come across as weak at all, that I changed the way I perceived myself. When I hear the negative voice swinging a second punch, I reject it.

Even if I had come across as insecure, no one has the right to verbally abuse and disrespect me, you or anyone else. They make the choice of what they say and how they say it. There are many ways to express a feeling. You don't control their choices.

It is useful to consider our own behaviour, and how we can express ourselves more clearly, stand up for ourselves more often and be kinder to ourselves. However, that is very different to taking responsibility for someone else's bad actions. There is a clear line drawn in the sand. Stand tall on your side. 

Beware of the dark side

I need to confess, I hadn't seen 'Star Wars' until this week. Those are must-see movies, but somehow, there'd never been the opportunity, and time went on. However this week, my husband convinced me to watch some of the films.

Finally, I can now say I have seen Episode IV, V and VI, and they were absolutely amazing. It was a great feeling to enter the 'Star Wars' world for a couple of evenings. I also feel better prepared now with the new movie coming out this year!

One of my favourite parts is when Yoda speaks to Luke Skywalker, before the former dies in 'Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back'. The life lessons resonated with me on various levels, mostly the experience of depression. Here is a quote:

"Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan's apprentice.

Obi-Wan's apprentice was promising Jedi knight and Luke's father Anakin Skywalker who, after succumbing to darkness, became Darth Vader. The latter is probably the most classic evil character in film history.

Sometimes when we are not treated fairly, the Enemy tries to tempt us with joining the dark force; get angry, become afraid etc. In the heat of the moment the fuel can easily turn into flames. I see fear as a dead end street; in the end it consumes you. I am sure you have met people who clearly carry anger still and it influences how they see the world, how they react to other people and it just seems like this poison  that infiltrates each corner of their lives. I have been in that situation, but now that I understand where it comes from, I don't let it consume me anymore.

I think the opposite to the dark side is love. As Marianne Williamson once said "We are either walking in the direction of love or the direction of fear." I try and focus on forgiveness, on compassion with myself and others and on turning to the direction of love. The route of love is never-ending, it just keeps expanding, and the best thing, it sets you free.

Fake it until you make it

“You can put positive forces into motion ahead of you wherever you go, but you have to think ahead to do it. Before you do anything, think ahead and see yourself at the completion of the action, happy, and it being completed effortlessly. Now you can move forward.

The positive forces are at your beck and call – but you have to beckon them into your life.”

“Every time you get into a car, remember to take a couple of seconds and see yourself arriving at your destination happy and well. No matter what the trip is you are taking or the type of transportation you are using, use the power of the Universe through your intention and create a beautiful, safe  journey.”

The above quotes are from Rhonda Byrne's 'Daily Teachings', which consists of 365 messages helping you to stay positive and grateful throughout the year. I keep it at work to remind myself in tough times. The key for me in the above messages is that the mind doesn't know what is real and what isn't. So when we picture a successful car journey, feel it and believe it is already happening, our mind accepts it as real. The law of attraction means that what we focus on we attract. When we focus on an event as if it is already happening, we attract it. This power can be used each time we are about to do something; you imagine the outcome, feel it and believe it. When I was younger I once had an important exam coming up. I got a piece of paper and wrote an 'A' on it in the top corner. Interestingly enough, I actually ended up with an 'A' on that very exam! When I am about to do a training session or give a talk, I picture myself up on the floor, giving an inspirational, well received, confident speech. Afterwards, I actually look forward to the task!

Just like the mind interprets positive things as real when we focus on them, it also reads negative thoughts as real when we believe in those. Often when I am stressed, my mind drifts away and I get ideas that may seem crazy later, but in the heat of the moment seem possible. Sometimes I fear that if I am a few minutes late, someone is going to be hugely upset. This hasn't happened, but my mind wanders there and the thought becomes real. When I was younger I even worried about losing my job if I asked too many questions. What I decided to tell myself instead is that I can only do my best and that I will always be ok.

Next time you are about to give a talk, go on a trip, attend a job interview or anything else you feel ambivalent about, take a minute, close your eyes, smile and imagine the event going well and focus on the satisfying feeling of fulfillment you will have. I promise that this practice will help make the outcome you want a reality.

:) Take care!

Love,

Hermine 

Dreams

As I walked around the Chemist's a few weeks ago, I thought about where I could get hold of some extra money to get some of the latest beauty products. I suddenly remembered an ad at the University where I work. A researcher was looking for participants for a dream study. The compensation for participating was a £20 shopping voucher which I simply couldn't resist. However, when the researcher at Department of Psychology first started advertising the study, I wasn't sure whether to participate or not. The study involved being woken up by an alarm four times per night for two nights and record your dreams on a dictaphone in the middle of the night.

I waited for months to decide, reflecting on what the effect would be at work due to lack of sleep, if I could ever find the "right" night to do it (maybe a Friday night?), the complications of analysing my dreams afterwards and the amount of time it would take.

Despite the worries about losing deep sleep for two nights, the desire for the shopping voucher grew stronger. I told my husband about the project and he decided to participate in the research project as well. Eventually we got the equipment and questionnaires. Let the research begin!

Waking up in the middle of the night was much easier than I thought. I was able to go to work, and was only slightly tired during the workday.

Also, the questionnaires turned out to be much easier to fill in than I expected. I just ticked the options that applied and wrote down ca. 10 things I had done during each day before going to bed.

Easy peasy!

The experience of taking part in the project taught me that while things may look hard on paper, they are probably much easier in reality. I have gained confidence and feel less hesitant about volunteering, using advanced recipes or taking on new tasks at work.

The biggest gain was not the boost I got from the new hair conditioner and make up I was able to buy, but the reminder that things often seem harder then they are. Trying won't hurt!

Do you have a similar story? Let me know!    

Love,

Hermine

The Journey

    Rachel Brathen practising yoga.
(Source: http://rachelbrathen.com/blog/)

Recovering from mental health issues is a personal journey that sometimes require a physical journey. I read Rachel Brathen's new book 'Yoga Girl' where she talks about how she moved to Costa Rica after experiencing issues with alcohol and drugs among other things in Sweden. Rachel went to Costa Rica with some friends on holiday, hadn't planned to stay long, but the country felt right, and she ended up staying there until settling in Aruba some years later. 

Similarly I read about Åsa Larsson (who didn't deal with mental illness) in the Swedish newspaper Svenska Dagbladet ('Resor') earlier this year where she described how she moved to Miami to work as an au pair. The au pair job didn't work out, and after a couple of weeks she starting hosting at clubs instead, and eventually took the bus to New York where she later worked for Marc Jacobs and became a shoe designer. She now runs her own shoe company, Ateljé 71. 

The two examples above show how moving abroad can help turn around your life. Personally, my move to Madrid dramatically changed my life for the better. The second time I returned to get help, the change of environment was an essential part of my recovery. While getting therapy, I could enjoy the sunny climate which boosted my mood and gave me energy. :) I also met lots of interesting people who didn't know about my previous experiences, and I was able to re-discover myself and who I really was. Living in another country, learning a new language and handling things on my own, also improved my self esteem. I proved to myself that I could overcome complex situations such as getting a bank account, finding a room to rent and so on, while speaking a third language. 

Finally, it helped me living in a city without triggers where I could create new memories and not being reminded by buildings and other places where I had had difficult experiences. 

I believe that one should never underestimate the importance of a physical journey when overcoming mental health challenges. It may be that you need to avoid triggers where you live, just need more sun and positiveness, or certain treatment. In any case, a change of environment can help you find out who you really are, and help you meet people who don't know your background and whom you can form new friendships with. 

Have a great week! 

Lots of love, 

Hermine 

What is your sun?

Hi!

Hope everyone had a nice Easter!

Earlier today I watched a documentary about how the Swedish Moderate Party (m) won the elections in 2006. Before then, the main opposition party, the Social Democrats (s), had governed for a total of over 65 years since the early 20th century.

One of the leading (m) strategists, Per Schlingmann, described the nation's 7 parties as planets in an orbit circulating the sun - the Social Democrats. The Moderate party's politics was focused on responding and relating to (s) actions. The key, according to Schlingmann, was to create a new sun, a new way for his party to tell a story and relate to things, independently of (s). And so the Moderate party did, and they won the elections.

This video made me question what my sun is, and how I relate to reality. I like to say that my sun is God. However, in daily life I am often tempted to make other things the centre such as work, my past, health issues (a broken knee cap) and those become the things that I circulate around and refer to during the day.

Personally, I want my sun to consist of God and a positive life story. As pastor T.D. Jakes pointed out: When you focus on your history, it is at the expense of your destiny.

What is your sun? What's at the core of your outlook on life?

Feel free to e-mail me your comments!

Love,

Hermine

Dare to reach high

Dr Hannah Fry recently appeared on the swedish talk show 'Skavlan'. Talking about dating, she said that it is always better to go out and meet people when you are single, because then you get the best person out of those you approached, rather than the best individual out of those who came to you.

I believe this is true for other areas. E.g. if you are looking for work it is often better to be active and try for those jobs you want, rather than accepting one that just 'came your way'. It might be scary to take the risk and apply for that dream position, but as they say, "all you can get is a no".

Some people end up feeling like victims simply because they feel they feel they "had" to take a certain job, rather than "wanted" to.

The more you dare reaching for the stars you want to get to, the more likely it is that  you will find that spot that fits you perfectly.

When we are ready

Måns Zelmerlöw, who won big at Melodifestivalen (2015 Swedish final for Eurovision), said afterwards that as a teenager he had no ambition or goals, that he was the "laziest teen" in his hometown Lund. 

Zelmerlow at the 'Idol audition' 2005. 

As a young boy his mum forced him to sing in front of guests, and later at the age of 19, his friends convinced him to attend an audition for "Idol" (Swedish version of 'American Idol'). He came 5th, but later had a successful career as TV host throughout his 20's, until winning Melodifestivalen at 28. 

Performing winner song 'Heroes' at Melodifestivalen 2015

On the contrary, singer Sanna Nielsen, 30, who hosted Melodifestivalen this year has said, that although she wanted to host the show a few years ago, looking back, she believes she wasn't ready. 

Nielsen in 1996

Having topped the charts as an 11-year old and competed in Melodifestivalen several times, Sanna got to finally represent Sweden in last year's Eurovision, and believes that that was when the executive producer saw new sides of her, and let her host this year's show. She has also hinted that she would like to do more TV hosting and she feels that at 30 she is prepared for it.

Sanna hosting Melodifestivalen with Robin Paulsson, 2015

Interestingly the above stories are almost opposites. Måns embarked on a music career without any real motivation near the age of 20. Sanna on the other hand, was already touring before becoming a teenager. Coincidentally, both of them succeeded in the same Melodifestivalen show doing things they enjoy. It makes me think that whatever things God has planned for us, he has a set time for them. Those events will take place when we are ready whether 19 or 30, motivated or not. All we need to do is trust in Him and keep a good attitude :) 

Insight

I recently listened to a documentary about one of the most infamous criminals in Swedish history, Lars-Inge Svartenbrandt, today Lars Patrick Ferm. He committed a range of crimes including robberies, violent assault on policemen and prison escapes between 1962 and 2009. Born in 1945, he has spent about 40 years of his life in prison. 

Ferm was recently released in early 2014, but arrested shortly afterwards for rape. The interview I listened to was broadcasted in December 2006. In the following years, Ferm would get arrested for robbery and drug possession among other crimes.

Having listened to ex-offenders on radio before, I wasn’t sure what to expect as each one shows different level of insight.

I was immediately struck by the insight of Ferm, as he started off by talking about his childhood in a very open manner. Hearing about his early years, I was not surprised that he ended up choosing the path he did. Moving between different homes, being physically and mentally abused, bullied, molested and isolated, the anger and devastation built up until things took a radical turn when he became 17 and grabbed a gun to threaten someone at a break in of a military warehouse. Lars described it as “evil” taking over his body, his voice changed, and everything happened very quickly.

What touched me was that through the mental health care he received while in prison and with the help of a priest, he was able to see how events in his past had contributed to the anger, resentment and determination not to look “weak”. It seemed liked the worse the crimes got, the weaker he felt inside and therefore the need to boost himself up got bigger.

There was one incident where he shot at a police van. The event is described by a police officer as bloody, violent and Ferm showing no mercy. The same incident is also told by Ferm where he says that he felt “evil” took over him and transformed him, adding that he didn’t plan to kill anyone, he just threatened people.

The differences in the stories shows how the same incident can be viewed from very different perspectives, and just because a criminal appears hardhearted, that may not be his/her perception.

While mostly quiet during interrogations and in court, Ferm apologised to one of his victims, after being told by a therapist he trusted that "You may not say anything in court, but I think you should apologise to this woman." Someone who met Ferm frequently said that he "actually had a conscience".

In the late 80's/early 90's the Minister of Justice announced that some people couldn't be helped and should stay in prison indefinitely. According to Ferm, this idea made him panic since he couldn't stand prison. He subsequently attempted to take his own life but couldn't do it. Then he asked God for help, and he said that after that moment he just felt joy and peace for several months, and that it became a turning point.

It is true that Ferm would commit further serious, terrible crimes. To me what fascinated me about the interview is the insight he showed into the links between events in his childhood and how he behaved later in life. He was able to describe in great detail, the anger, sadness and fear felt even during the most heated moments such as during a robbery, such as wishing the police would shoot him, and getting disappointed when they didn't.

No one knows what the future holds for him, but he has offered an insight into a mind plagued by darkness, and how that darkness can, if only temporarily, be replaced by peace through understanding and God's light. 

Click here to listen to the interview (in Swedish). 

(Source: http://sv.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lars-Inge_Svartenbrandt)