Who are you?

In 'Masterclass' Jay-Z once mentioned how he spent hours writing rap lyrics as a child. His mother often pointed out the importance of hard work to get somewhere, and he always pictured this being getting a job and study hard.

However, one day he realised that all the time he had spent writing rap lyrics, listening to rap etc. was actually work. He just didn't see it as such, but more like an interest or a hobby.

Do you have a hobby, something that you spend a lot of time on? If so, that could be your work, preparing you for something greater. Perhaps you've thought of all those hours in the garden or baking as just something you do for fun? Well, you could earn money having fun, because it is a passion that God has put in your heart.

I attended a development day session for women during which we were asked to create an action plan for our careers. There was a lady there who during most of the workshop, repeated that she didn't know what to do and issues with family commitments. Towards the end of the workshop, me, a colleague and her were put in a group to discuss our plans.

The above mentioned lady suddenly mentioned how she used to make over 60 cookies for her kids' school and get up early to bake bread and cakes in the morning. The rest of us were surprised at finding this out but encouraged her to tell us more. It was clear what this woman loved to do: baking! And surely, at the end of the development day, she had transformed, her facial expression turned into a smile and she excitingly exclaimed: "I am a baker!"

What do you look forward to? What feels fun and effortless? And most importantly, who are you?

Double Whammy

Nope, I am not talking about the delicious Ben & Jerry ice cream flavour. This time it is about that the feelings of negativity you can experience when someone treats you wrong. One of the definitions of 'double whammy' is 

"A situation that is bad in two different ways, a situation in which two bad conditions exist at the same time or two bad things happen one after the other."

(Source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary)  

A few years ago I worked at a summer camp for teenagers. At one point we were at the Science museum in London with the students. A colleague asked me to do something and I replied I would do it later. He then shouted in my face "Do it now!". I was really surprised by his reaction and upset. How could someone talk to me like that? I hadn't had any issues with the person previously.

It is after an incident like the above that the 'double whammy' feelings may set in. First you feel sad, upset, angry and disappointed that someone treated you unfairly. But on top of that, some of us ask "Why did he/she treat me like that, and not someone else?", "What did I do to invite/attract/accept such behaviour?". We want to understand the situation so badly that we even go to the lengths of taking responsibility for someone else's bad behaviour. You receive the first blow by the other person, and the second one from yourself. Who ends up feeling miserable? You. 

Children are actually some of the most vulnerable people to the 'double whammy', since they have a unique ability to take responsibility for other people's actions. That way they understand things that are beyond their control. If the parents are fighting the kids often feel accountable in addition to experiencing the drama at home. If the parents separate, the children may feel that they could have done something to stop it. The sense of guilt can be hard to get rid of.  But it is not the child who is responsible or in control, it is the parents as managers of the family. 

Another person's behaviour is always their responsibility. I used to think that I sent off signals of insecurity in my tone and body language that others felt and then thought it was ok to treat me disrespectfully. It was first when my husband pointed out that I don't come across as weak at all, that I changed the way I perceived myself. When I hear the negative voice swinging a second punch, I reject it.

Even if I had come across as insecure, no one has the right to verbally abuse and disrespect me, you or anyone else. They make the choice of what they say and how they say it. There are many ways to express a feeling. You don't control their choices.

It is useful to consider our own behaviour, and how we can express ourselves more clearly, stand up for ourselves more often and be kinder to ourselves. However, that is very different to taking responsibility for someone else's bad actions. There is a clear line drawn in the sand. Stand tall on your side. 

Dreams

As I walked around the Chemist's a few weeks ago, I thought about where I could get hold of some extra money to get some of the latest beauty products. I suddenly remembered an ad at the University where I work. A researcher was looking for participants for a dream study. The compensation for participating was a £20 shopping voucher which I simply couldn't resist. However, when the researcher at Department of Psychology first started advertising the study, I wasn't sure whether to participate or not. The study involved being woken up by an alarm four times per night for two nights and record your dreams on a dictaphone in the middle of the night.

I waited for months to decide, reflecting on what the effect would be at work due to lack of sleep, if I could ever find the "right" night to do it (maybe a Friday night?), the complications of analysing my dreams afterwards and the amount of time it would take.

Despite the worries about losing deep sleep for two nights, the desire for the shopping voucher grew stronger. I told my husband about the project and he decided to participate in the research project as well. Eventually we got the equipment and questionnaires. Let the research begin!

Waking up in the middle of the night was much easier than I thought. I was able to go to work, and was only slightly tired during the workday.

Also, the questionnaires turned out to be much easier to fill in than I expected. I just ticked the options that applied and wrote down ca. 10 things I had done during each day before going to bed.

Easy peasy!

The experience of taking part in the project taught me that while things may look hard on paper, they are probably much easier in reality. I have gained confidence and feel less hesitant about volunteering, using advanced recipes or taking on new tasks at work.

The biggest gain was not the boost I got from the new hair conditioner and make up I was able to buy, but the reminder that things often seem harder then they are. Trying won't hurt!

Do you have a similar story? Let me know!    

Love,

Hermine

Insight

I recently listened to a documentary about one of the most infamous criminals in Swedish history, Lars-Inge Svartenbrandt, today Lars Patrick Ferm. He committed a range of crimes including robberies, violent assault on policemen and prison escapes between 1962 and 2009. Born in 1945, he has spent about 40 years of his life in prison. 

Ferm was recently released in early 2014, but arrested shortly afterwards for rape. The interview I listened to was broadcasted in December 2006. In the following years, Ferm would get arrested for robbery and drug possession among other crimes.

Having listened to ex-offenders on radio before, I wasn’t sure what to expect as each one shows different level of insight.

I was immediately struck by the insight of Ferm, as he started off by talking about his childhood in a very open manner. Hearing about his early years, I was not surprised that he ended up choosing the path he did. Moving between different homes, being physically and mentally abused, bullied, molested and isolated, the anger and devastation built up until things took a radical turn when he became 17 and grabbed a gun to threaten someone at a break in of a military warehouse. Lars described it as “evil” taking over his body, his voice changed, and everything happened very quickly.

What touched me was that through the mental health care he received while in prison and with the help of a priest, he was able to see how events in his past had contributed to the anger, resentment and determination not to look “weak”. It seemed liked the worse the crimes got, the weaker he felt inside and therefore the need to boost himself up got bigger.

There was one incident where he shot at a police van. The event is described by a police officer as bloody, violent and Ferm showing no mercy. The same incident is also told by Ferm where he says that he felt “evil” took over him and transformed him, adding that he didn’t plan to kill anyone, he just threatened people.

The differences in the stories shows how the same incident can be viewed from very different perspectives, and just because a criminal appears hardhearted, that may not be his/her perception.

While mostly quiet during interrogations and in court, Ferm apologised to one of his victims, after being told by a therapist he trusted that "You may not say anything in court, but I think you should apologise to this woman." Someone who met Ferm frequently said that he "actually had a conscience".

In the late 80's/early 90's the Minister of Justice announced that some people couldn't be helped and should stay in prison indefinitely. According to Ferm, this idea made him panic since he couldn't stand prison. He subsequently attempted to take his own life but couldn't do it. Then he asked God for help, and he said that after that moment he just felt joy and peace for several months, and that it became a turning point.

It is true that Ferm would commit further serious, terrible crimes. To me what fascinated me about the interview is the insight he showed into the links between events in his childhood and how he behaved later in life. He was able to describe in great detail, the anger, sadness and fear felt even during the most heated moments such as during a robbery, such as wishing the police would shoot him, and getting disappointed when they didn't.

No one knows what the future holds for him, but he has offered an insight into a mind plagued by darkness, and how that darkness can, if only temporarily, be replaced by peace through understanding and God's light. 

Click here to listen to the interview (in Swedish). 

(Source: http://sv.wikipedia.org/wiki/Lars-Inge_Svartenbrandt)