The 'Can Do' Department

Went for the first physiotherapy session this Monday. If I was ever to work at that hospital, it would be the therapy department (physiotherapy, occupational therapy among others) . The staff was friendly, smiling at service users, greeting them and asking how they were. It was even literally warmer there. You could tell that a positive spirit was important here. People had had their injuries and they were now recovering.

 

You can do it, lift your leg 10 times! Now try and lean against the wall and bend your knees! 

To build up the muscle strength and confidence, one needs a ‘can do’ attitude. I like to think of that hospital section as the ‘Can Do’ Department. 

My physiotherapist was very efficient and helpful, and even gave me a pat on the back when I left! 

As soon as I stepped out from the clinic both my knee and spirit felt lighter.

The Art of Spoiling Oneself

When I lived in Madrid as a 20-year old, there were times when I didn’t have a lot of money. A big part of my spendings included therapy, which was highly important and something I needed to prioritise.  At one point I had 5 euros per week for food. But it worked out, thanks to pasta and tomate frito.

Similarly in Luton, as a student at one point I had £2 for food per day. Back in that time, it was essential to save money, to always look for the cheap option. If I was in the supermarket, I would go for the affordable UHT milk rather than the fresh organic milk which cost 50-70 pence more. Similarly, if I was buying shampoo, I would search and compare among various shops for the cheapest product, even if it took more time.

It was first when I met my husband that he highlighted that I should spoil myself more. I remember going to TKMaxx together as a challenge, and buying a bag without considering the price. I finally purchased  a red Lloyd Baker bag for £60, and spent the following couple of hours haunted by thoughts regarding “What if I hadn’t  bought it?”, “Should I have saved the money instead? Perhaps I will need it in the future.” and so on.

Since we got married and share a household, me and my husband definitely have more money to spend, but as they say “Old habits die hard”. When I used the ASDA app I would still sort the prices, so I would get the cheapest products in the top and that tended to guide my decision.

Psychological explanations could include that I don’t see myself worthy of spending more money than necessary on. It could also be a way of gaining a sense of control. If I only spend money on the cheapest products, than I have control of my money and my life, and don’t need to take any risks. If I still end up with little money, at least I did  the best I could and no one can blame me (including myself).

In her show ‘Masterclass’ Oprah once highlighted that you need to decide that you deserve the best. I wholeheartedly believe in that.

Iyanla Vanzant has stated that even when she started earning a fortune due to her books and tv appearances, she still had a “welfare mentality”. I think I have had a similar “welfare mentality” and have reacted to money as if it was my worst enemy, causing conflicts and stress.

I now realise that always setting my eyes on the product with the lowest price (e.g. only buying clothes during January and August sales) has taken away a lot of the joy and excitement of shopping. One of the things I like about shopping is finding things that represent me, and my goal is to do that regardless of the price.

By spoiling yourself, I don't mean that one should be reckless with money and spend out of control. What I am trying to say in this blog post is that by buying nice things for yourself as a treat, you recognise that you are worthy of it, that it is not something you buy every day, and that you are acknowledging your desires.

These days when I shop at Asda, I try to not sort prices. When  I am out looking for clothes, I decide to switch of the part of my mind which instinctively looks for sale signs, and instead look at colours, models and patterns that I like .

While happiness doesn’t come from material things or people, one can be too careful with spending money, and miss out on the treat which is shopping. 

Broken knee vs. a broken mind

At the latest church meeting in our home, me and my husband decided to talk about mental health. Also, on 5 February, it was 'Time to talk' Day, highlighting the importance of taking 5 min to talk to people you may be concerned about. It could just be something simple like "How are you?" and taking time to listen to someone.

During the meeting, I compared a recent physical injury I had (breaking my knee cap) to dealing with mental health issues such as depression. Below are some of the differences.

The knee injury was public. Anyone could tell from my hopping around on crutches and splint with a degree gague. With mental illness, it is not always public. Certain symptoms maybe visible, but the real depth of the illness can be hard to tell, especially if the person doesn't want to acknowledge the issue.

At work I have received a lot of support which I am very grateful for, such having my chair checked for comfort, being offered a foot rest, being allowed small breaks to improve blood circulation, among other things. At the same time, if someone has a mental illness, that person may not even disclose it to their manager, in fear of stigma and thereby miss out on help.

When I fell on the ice in France and broke the knee cap, I was able to give a clear explanation of the cause of the injury, date and time. With mental illness it can develop over time, and behaviours which started for one reason (e.g. OCD) may be continued for a different reason. When I was young, I was told that my depression was genetical and biological. Having received help over the past years with identifying and recovering from the illness, I can say with confidence that it was not genetical. It is easy to jump to conclusions about why someone is dealing with e.g anxiety, but the reasons are often complex and varied.

Finally, with my knee I can get an x-ray, and see exactly at which stage of the healing process I am at and my doctor will be able to estimate how long it will take before the knee is healed. In therapy, you may circle a number stating your mood and ability to deal with things, but that doesn't mean that the mental illness is gone, it can be a continuing mental battle for years, a fight which hopefully gets easier and easier to win.

Marriage as a battery charger

Talking to my husband this Sunday morning snugging in bed, I realised that coming home should be like charging your batteries, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. There are 3 things I try to remember to say to my husband every day:

- I love you.
- I am proud of you.
- You are the best.

The first phrase is about him not having to pretend, that I love him as he is, for who he is. The second sentence has to do with me being proud of his accomplishments (for himself) and achievements (for the outside world).

Finally I want him to know that he inspires me every day, and that in many ways I look up to him.

Similarly, he supports me. When I have doubts, he reassures me that things will be ok. If I have had a tough experience, he takes time off to pray together. He reminds me everyday that I am beautiful and smart, and feels proud to call me his wife.

Right now I feel I am getting stronger, more confident and laugh more each day. I hope that our marriage stays like that, because I truly believe that is how is should be: a battery charger that keeps refilling you with energy so you stay 100% (and beyond!).

If you are looking for love, my hope is that you find someone who is truly proud of being with you, who supports you in your goals (even if they are widely different to his/hers) and who reinforces you with energy and smiles.

Some relationships work the opposite way, they take energy from the battery. Instead of strengthening words, there is criticism, instead of laughter there is nagging and frustration.

Someone mentioned that this is simply the 'honeymoon' period (me and Josh got married last year). That could be true. However, I believe that because both me and my husband have gone through tough times in life including depression and meltdowns, it has made us stronger, and we have learned the importance of words and positive energy. What I also have learned is that strengthening words don't come automatically, they are a choice.