Double Whammy

Nope, I am not talking about the delicious Ben & Jerry ice cream flavour. This time it is about that the feelings of negativity you can experience when someone treats you wrong. One of the definitions of 'double whammy' is 

"A situation that is bad in two different ways, a situation in which two bad conditions exist at the same time or two bad things happen one after the other."

(Source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary)  

A few years ago I worked at a summer camp for teenagers. At one point we were at the Science museum in London with the students. A colleague asked me to do something and I replied I would do it later. He then shouted in my face "Do it now!". I was really surprised by his reaction and upset. How could someone talk to me like that? I hadn't had any issues with the person previously.

It is after an incident like the above that the 'double whammy' feelings may set in. First you feel sad, upset, angry and disappointed that someone treated you unfairly. But on top of that, some of us ask "Why did he/she treat me like that, and not someone else?", "What did I do to invite/attract/accept such behaviour?". We want to understand the situation so badly that we even go to the lengths of taking responsibility for someone else's bad behaviour. You receive the first blow by the other person, and the second one from yourself. Who ends up feeling miserable? You. 

Children are actually some of the most vulnerable people to the 'double whammy', since they have a unique ability to take responsibility for other people's actions. That way they understand things that are beyond their control. If the parents are fighting the kids often feel accountable in addition to experiencing the drama at home. If the parents separate, the children may feel that they could have done something to stop it. The sense of guilt can be hard to get rid of.  But it is not the child who is responsible or in control, it is the parents as managers of the family. 

Another person's behaviour is always their responsibility. I used to think that I sent off signals of insecurity in my tone and body language that others felt and then thought it was ok to treat me disrespectfully. It was first when my husband pointed out that I don't come across as weak at all, that I changed the way I perceived myself. When I hear the negative voice swinging a second punch, I reject it.

Even if I had come across as insecure, no one has the right to verbally abuse and disrespect me, you or anyone else. They make the choice of what they say and how they say it. There are many ways to express a feeling. You don't control their choices.

It is useful to consider our own behaviour, and how we can express ourselves more clearly, stand up for ourselves more often and be kinder to ourselves. However, that is very different to taking responsibility for someone else's bad actions. There is a clear line drawn in the sand. Stand tall on your side. 

Beware of the dark side

I need to confess, I hadn't seen 'Star Wars' until this week. Those are must-see movies, but somehow, there'd never been the opportunity, and time went on. However this week, my husband convinced me to watch some of the films.

Finally, I can now say I have seen Episode IV, V and VI, and they were absolutely amazing. It was a great feeling to enter the 'Star Wars' world for a couple of evenings. I also feel better prepared now with the new movie coming out this year!

One of my favourite parts is when Yoda speaks to Luke Skywalker, before the former dies in 'Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back'. The life lessons resonated with me on various levels, mostly the experience of depression. Here is a quote:

"Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan's apprentice.

Obi-Wan's apprentice was promising Jedi knight and Luke's father Anakin Skywalker who, after succumbing to darkness, became Darth Vader. The latter is probably the most classic evil character in film history.

Sometimes when we are not treated fairly, the Enemy tries to tempt us with joining the dark force; get angry, become afraid etc. In the heat of the moment the fuel can easily turn into flames. I see fear as a dead end street; in the end it consumes you. I am sure you have met people who clearly carry anger still and it influences how they see the world, how they react to other people and it just seems like this poison  that infiltrates each corner of their lives. I have been in that situation, but now that I understand where it comes from, I don't let it consume me anymore.

I think the opposite to the dark side is love. As Marianne Williamson once said "We are either walking in the direction of love or the direction of fear." I try and focus on forgiveness, on compassion with myself and others and on turning to the direction of love. The route of love is never-ending, it just keeps expanding, and the best thing, it sets you free.

Fake it until you make it

“You can put positive forces into motion ahead of you wherever you go, but you have to think ahead to do it. Before you do anything, think ahead and see yourself at the completion of the action, happy, and it being completed effortlessly. Now you can move forward.

The positive forces are at your beck and call – but you have to beckon them into your life.”

“Every time you get into a car, remember to take a couple of seconds and see yourself arriving at your destination happy and well. No matter what the trip is you are taking or the type of transportation you are using, use the power of the Universe through your intention and create a beautiful, safe  journey.”

The above quotes are from Rhonda Byrne's 'Daily Teachings', which consists of 365 messages helping you to stay positive and grateful throughout the year. I keep it at work to remind myself in tough times. The key for me in the above messages is that the mind doesn't know what is real and what isn't. So when we picture a successful car journey, feel it and believe it is already happening, our mind accepts it as real. The law of attraction means that what we focus on we attract. When we focus on an event as if it is already happening, we attract it. This power can be used each time we are about to do something; you imagine the outcome, feel it and believe it. When I was younger I once had an important exam coming up. I got a piece of paper and wrote an 'A' on it in the top corner. Interestingly enough, I actually ended up with an 'A' on that very exam! When I am about to do a training session or give a talk, I picture myself up on the floor, giving an inspirational, well received, confident speech. Afterwards, I actually look forward to the task!

Just like the mind interprets positive things as real when we focus on them, it also reads negative thoughts as real when we believe in those. Often when I am stressed, my mind drifts away and I get ideas that may seem crazy later, but in the heat of the moment seem possible. Sometimes I fear that if I am a few minutes late, someone is going to be hugely upset. This hasn't happened, but my mind wanders there and the thought becomes real. When I was younger I even worried about losing my job if I asked too many questions. What I decided to tell myself instead is that I can only do my best and that I will always be ok.

Next time you are about to give a talk, go on a trip, attend a job interview or anything else you feel ambivalent about, take a minute, close your eyes, smile and imagine the event going well and focus on the satisfying feeling of fulfillment you will have. I promise that this practice will help make the outcome you want a reality.

:) Take care!

Love,

Hermine