Making the Decision - My Move to Madrid

When we decide, the magic starts. When we decide, we let God work in our lives. When we decide, we open up to blessings.

One of the worst, most frustrating places to be is on a fence. It is safe, but it can wear you down.

You know that feeling deep inside, that yearning feeling, that wants you to move on, aim higher, develop, expand, increase and go further. Maybe you can't put your finger on what you are meant to do, but you want change.

Moving to Madrid

I have been there. When I moved to Madrid as a teenager, I was ready for change. I had put my foot down. I knew I deserved more and better. As one of my teachers said, "This is your time to bloom'.

My main goal was to get therapy. I knew that I wanted to feel better, regain self esteem and taste freedom. I barely spoke the language, moved 7 times within the first 3 months and at the same time was trying to find work. I handed out newspapers, sold gingerbread & mulled wine at IKEA and other jobs until started studying Spanish at a University. After completing the studies, I worked as an English Teacher.

Build your strength

The key to getting well was making the decision; not knowing in detail how things were going to plan out, but believing in the overarching goal: recovery.

Many people prefer to travel together, explore together. However, don't be afraid to step out on your own. It is the situations when you have no one to turn to, that will truly build your strength.

So, don't worry if you can't see the next steps. Just make sure you get on the staircase.

Double Whammy

Nope, I am not talking about the delicious Ben & Jerry ice cream flavour. This time it is about that the feelings of negativity you can experience when someone treats you wrong. One of the definitions of 'double whammy' is 

"A situation that is bad in two different ways, a situation in which two bad conditions exist at the same time or two bad things happen one after the other."

(Source: http://www.merriam-webster.com/dictionary)  

A few years ago I worked at a summer camp for teenagers. At one point we were at the Science museum in London with the students. A colleague asked me to do something and I replied I would do it later. He then shouted in my face "Do it now!". I was really surprised by his reaction and upset. How could someone talk to me like that? I hadn't had any issues with the person previously.

It is after an incident like the above that the 'double whammy' feelings may set in. First you feel sad, upset, angry and disappointed that someone treated you unfairly. But on top of that, some of us ask "Why did he/she treat me like that, and not someone else?", "What did I do to invite/attract/accept such behaviour?". We want to understand the situation so badly that we even go to the lengths of taking responsibility for someone else's bad behaviour. You receive the first blow by the other person, and the second one from yourself. Who ends up feeling miserable? You. 

Children are actually some of the most vulnerable people to the 'double whammy', since they have a unique ability to take responsibility for other people's actions. That way they understand things that are beyond their control. If the parents are fighting the kids often feel accountable in addition to experiencing the drama at home. If the parents separate, the children may feel that they could have done something to stop it. The sense of guilt can be hard to get rid of.  But it is not the child who is responsible or in control, it is the parents as managers of the family. 

Another person's behaviour is always their responsibility. I used to think that I sent off signals of insecurity in my tone and body language that others felt and then thought it was ok to treat me disrespectfully. It was first when my husband pointed out that I don't come across as weak at all, that I changed the way I perceived myself. When I hear the negative voice swinging a second punch, I reject it.

Even if I had come across as insecure, no one has the right to verbally abuse and disrespect me, you or anyone else. They make the choice of what they say and how they say it. There are many ways to express a feeling. You don't control their choices.

It is useful to consider our own behaviour, and how we can express ourselves more clearly, stand up for ourselves more often and be kinder to ourselves. However, that is very different to taking responsibility for someone else's bad actions. There is a clear line drawn in the sand. Stand tall on your side. 

Beware of the dark side

I need to confess, I hadn't seen 'Star Wars' until this week. Those are must-see movies, but somehow, there'd never been the opportunity, and time went on. However this week, my husband convinced me to watch some of the films.

Finally, I can now say I have seen Episode IV, V and VI, and they were absolutely amazing. It was a great feeling to enter the 'Star Wars' world for a couple of evenings. I also feel better prepared now with the new movie coming out this year!

One of my favourite parts is when Yoda speaks to Luke Skywalker, before the former dies in 'Episode V: The Empire Strikes Back'. The life lessons resonated with me on various levels, mostly the experience of depression. Here is a quote:

"Yes, a Jedi's strength flows from the Force. But beware of the dark side. Anger, fear, aggression; the dark side of the Force are they. Easily they flow, quick to join you in a fight. If once you start down the dark path, forever will it dominate your destiny, consume you it will, as it did Obi-Wan's apprentice.

Obi-Wan's apprentice was promising Jedi knight and Luke's father Anakin Skywalker who, after succumbing to darkness, became Darth Vader. The latter is probably the most classic evil character in film history.

Sometimes when we are not treated fairly, the Enemy tries to tempt us with joining the dark force; get angry, become afraid etc. In the heat of the moment the fuel can easily turn into flames. I see fear as a dead end street; in the end it consumes you. I am sure you have met people who clearly carry anger still and it influences how they see the world, how they react to other people and it just seems like this poison  that infiltrates each corner of their lives. I have been in that situation, but now that I understand where it comes from, I don't let it consume me anymore.

I think the opposite to the dark side is love. As Marianne Williamson once said "We are either walking in the direction of love or the direction of fear." I try and focus on forgiveness, on compassion with myself and others and on turning to the direction of love. The route of love is never-ending, it just keeps expanding, and the best thing, it sets you free.

The Journey

    Rachel Brathen practising yoga.
(Source: http://rachelbrathen.com/blog/)

Recovering from mental health issues is a personal journey that sometimes require a physical journey. I read Rachel Brathen's new book 'Yoga Girl' where she talks about how she moved to Costa Rica after experiencing issues with alcohol and drugs among other things in Sweden. Rachel went to Costa Rica with some friends on holiday, hadn't planned to stay long, but the country felt right, and she ended up staying there until settling in Aruba some years later. 

Similarly I read about Åsa Larsson (who didn't deal with mental illness) in the Swedish newspaper Svenska Dagbladet ('Resor') earlier this year where she described how she moved to Miami to work as an au pair. The au pair job didn't work out, and after a couple of weeks she starting hosting at clubs instead, and eventually took the bus to New York where she later worked for Marc Jacobs and became a shoe designer. She now runs her own shoe company, Ateljé 71. 

The two examples above show how moving abroad can help turn around your life. Personally, my move to Madrid dramatically changed my life for the better. The second time I returned to get help, the change of environment was an essential part of my recovery. While getting therapy, I could enjoy the sunny climate which boosted my mood and gave me energy. :) I also met lots of interesting people who didn't know about my previous experiences, and I was able to re-discover myself and who I really was. Living in another country, learning a new language and handling things on my own, also improved my self esteem. I proved to myself that I could overcome complex situations such as getting a bank account, finding a room to rent and so on, while speaking a third language. 

Finally, it helped me living in a city without triggers where I could create new memories and not being reminded by buildings and other places where I had had difficult experiences. 

I believe that one should never underestimate the importance of a physical journey when overcoming mental health challenges. It may be that you need to avoid triggers where you live, just need more sun and positiveness, or certain treatment. In any case, a change of environment can help you find out who you really are, and help you meet people who don't know your background and whom you can form new friendships with. 

Have a great week! 

Lots of love, 

Hermine