The Right Time is Now

After attending a coaching course this week it made me think how we sometimes use practical obstacles as excuses to move forward. Although we may say we need help some people have already made up their mind. They have decided that it is too late, too hectic or too costly to take that step towards something they are passionate about doing e.g. a career change, a trip or a course.

The fact is that it is never too late, time-consuming or expensive. Those are simply “hurdles” used to argue that if it wasn’t for this and that, I would sure be where I want to be.

Any step forward involves a bit of risk. That’s when we need to step up, face the fear and hand it over to God. If He tells you it is right, things will work out. 

When I left for Spain, it was big step. I didn’t have a place to stay and no job, but I had money. The action of moving abroad also meant I couldn’t see my family as often as wanted. But it was a necessary step to feel better, to re-programme my mind from mental illness. 

We are only as young as we feel, and we all have missions we are supposed to fulfill. I believe God’s voice never stops whispering to us that we need a change. In fact, I think the voice grows louder and louder. 

Be honest with yourself, and re-consider if the hurdles in the natural world are perhaps excuses for fear that if you take a risk, God may not look after you in the supernatural? Believe me, He will. Step out in faith.  

Twitter: @HermineHodson

https://www.facebook.com/hermineandharmony

Moan or Depression? How to tell

Sometimes when you talk to people, you can try a 1000 times to say something positive and they still bounce back with a negative statement. Having been through depression, I know that the illness wants to absorb any optimistic thoughts and turn them into whatever leads to the conclusion that you are no good and that there is no hope.

So how to differentiate between someone who moans and a person who is depressed?

One way is the rule of 3. Here's an example:

Your friend: "I went to Berlin last week but it rained all the time."
You: (#1) "But at least you got some time off."
Friend: "Yes, but we couldn't do anything because of the rain and I had to prepare work so there wasn't much point with the trip."
You: (#2) "Sorry to hear that. Hope you got a lot of work done?"
Friend: "I did, but I just hate my job."

You: (#3) "At least you know that you don't like it so you can start looking for something else."

If the other person responds with a negative statement after my 3 attempts, there's reason to consider that this person might be feeling low a large chunk of the time, maybe even depressed.

The other test I do is to listen if the person picks up on positive/general topics in group conversations. If the person only jumps in when it comes to challenges, complaints and criticism but not when it is about e.g. art, positive stories and appraisals, that could be a sign of depression.

So, to summarise, to bounce back with a negative comment, but being able to shift into positive feedback shows me that the person probably doesn't have a dark view of things. Similarly if someone can criticise as well as tell a positive story in the same conversation, the person is probably healthy.

Being depressed can feel like someone just pulled down the curtains and everything went dark. That's why when you are ill your response and engagement with others reflect your mental state that things are dark and hopeless.

I use the above tests on myself as well to check. If you feel like the friend in the examples above, it is time to seek help. Know that change is possible!

The Guinea Pig Gut Feeling

Despite having fed and taken care of my piggies for 1,5 years, they still shy away many times when I reach out my hand to pat them. All of the refilled nibble bowls, cucumber sticks, cleaning of their cage and chatting with them, doesn't seem to have mattered. I still get an "Oink!" and a "Whoosh!". It is as if they still assume "This hand is out to grab us and then she'll devour us!"

The piggies seem to have a built-in default reaction of fear. They even look around cautiously as they munch away at their dandelion leaves. It is not rational, and despite having been their main carer their whole lives, they still react as if I am a potential threat.

This made me think that perhaps the reason I got them was for them to teach me something? Like the piggies I sometimes have had a feeling of being preyed upon. "That man behind me in the escalator, is he looking into my bag?" or "Why is that lady staring funnily at me in the street?". Even more, sometimes when someone has offered friendship or kindness, I've not been ready for it and have pressed the piggy red alarm button. Not a rational, but logical reaction looking at my past.

Do you ever get that piggie gut feeling? There may occasionally be truth in it, but in most cases I promise you there's not. Face the fear if it is only someone stretching out a hand. 

The Importance of Not Being Idle

I learned today through Mind that one of the areas where motivation is lowest during mental illness is 'work'. Thinking about it, it makes sense. Work offers a sense of community, social contacts, structure, tasks, motivation, focus, and advancement in life on so many levels. The above things are often those that the mental illness wants to take away from you. The illness can even feel like a friend, one that you want to be alone with and with which you can identify yourself. As one falls deeper into the pit, the energy and focus on other things apart from the illness and oneself tend to decrease. 

Therefore it is key, that during treatment and recovery ('the runway' as I like to call it) the focus lies on how to re-integrate oneself back into society and back to work (unpaid or paid). 

The runway staff will help with the take off and equipment to break through the grey clouds hiding the sunlight and off you go! If you need further help, the control tower is just a phone call away and they've got you on their radar. 

Often the energy and motivation is not there to return to work, and one might need help with other areas (life skills, socialising, self-esteem, exercise) before engaging in professional activities.

However, once the seeds are sown, there is much fruit to be reaped!

Dreams and God's Messages

It's been a while! Have mainly been settling into married life. It is truly a new era in life as most decisions are now made together and I've got my man to speak to and hang out with each evening :)

One of the ways that God speaks to me is through dreams. There are two important dreams I have had lately, and they have both helped changed my perspective on life. One is about eating and the other one is about a skyscraper :)

Eat life or be eaten! 

That is exactly what I heard in the first dream. The way I interpreted it was that we either indulge in life and our desires to fulfill God's mission, or we become overtaken by worry, stress and other negative feelings. We either enjoy the life that God has given us and have faith in Him that He is in control and watching over us, or we stumble in the dark, and become easy prey to fear, stress etc. 

 

The Skyskraper

Sometimes in life we have what I call a 'revision'. We reach a certain age in life, e.g. 30 and look at what we have accomplished, where we are in terms of our journey and things we need to change and do better. 

Being 32, I have felt slightly more pressure regarding time to reach my goals and be efficient.
In the dream I had, I was on the 32nd floor of a skyscraper looking out, thinking "Omg, I can't believe I am this high up already. This has gone so quickly, I thought I was further down". My instinctive feeling was to try and take the elevator down, as I also don't like heights since it makes me a bit queasy.

I then heard a voice saying "Just admire the view." I believe this voice was from God, and that what He was saying was "Relax. Take a step back and look at your past with pride and how far you have come. Don't look at it with fear and worry, just admire the view and all the good things you have accomplished. Be proud of yourself! I have got your back."

Thinking about our life journeys as through a skyscraper helped me realise some things. When we are young we look up feeling excited, imagining what things look like on the 30th floor, the 40th floor etc. If bad things happen to us, they might look like big lorries and medium sized buildings that still seem big when we look out.

However, as we ascend up the skyscraper, the lorries and buildings become smaller and smaller and smaller... We gain perspective, and can see more of the big picture: How God has worked for good in our lives.

Also, some people don't want to go further up the building, they prefer to stay where they are, both mentally and emotionally. A few decide they don't want to go further up and experience whatever negative feelings they might have looking out on those heights, and jump out the window.

Furthermore, there are people in our lives who join us on our journey. For me, my husband, family members etc. will always be with me on the journey. Others I have met were there for a season on one or a couple of more floors.

The skyscraper portrayed in my dream was touching heaven. I believe that that is our ultimate destination, that when we finally reach the top, we join God.

Re-invent Yourself!

In this clip Steve Harvey goes through challenges in his life: divorce, homelessness, being written, off among other things. He also goes through his successes and how he has been able to use all of this knowledge to his advantage. Oprah then says:  "And you know how to re-invent yourself!". Harvey responds with "You cannot be afraid of that!"

I think this is the difference between living a fulfilled life, and not living it. We either see the challenges which have occurred in our life as something that defines us and bring us down, or something that re-invents us, increases our knowledge and builds us up. Your challenges are there for you to learn from and to prepare you for the great things you are meant to do in life. 

It is ok to say, "I was lonely, didn't almost have any friends, but it has made me comfortable with being alone and dealing with situations independently. It also doesn't define me as asocial or lacking social skills. I am social."

Or you may have gone through a divorce and let that define you as a failure. "There are no failures, just God blowing us in a new direction", as Oprah said recently. The divorce was a new opportunity for you to come to grips with who you are, deal with underlying emotions, and get closer to your mission. You are a victor.

Similarly, when "the shit hits the fan", we should not be afraid of letting out and show the new sides of ourselves that we have discovered, the knowledge we have acquired. It may not fit the labels or stereotypes we were given growing up, but it is still you. 

I was often told I was shy, but you know what, I love to talk! And I love to talk especially in public. I would be happy to give a seminar if you are interested.

Finally, a quote from  Ephesians 1: 18-22:

"I pray that the eyes of your heart may be enlightened in order that you may know the hope to which he has called you, the riches of his glorious inheritance in his holy people, and his incomparably great power for us who believe."

Robin Williams and What his Death Teaches Us

It was with great sadness that I heard of Robin Williams's suicide yesterday. Apparently he had struggled with depression as well as cocaine and alcohol addiction (self-medication). 

Actor Stellan Skarsgård (who starred with Williams in 'Good Will Hunting') said in an interview that it was as if Williams had 3 different brains going at the same time. When it was just them talking, he could be serious and they could discuss deep issues. However, if more people entered the room, Williams would suddenly change and start making jokes and so on.

To me, the comic and the solemn parts Williams displayed were also reflected in his movies. The 'funny' side was shown in 'Aladdin', 'Hook', 'Mrs Doubtfire' etc. while the more serious side was visible in 'Good Will Hunting' and 'Dead Poets' Society' among others. 

Being able to demonstrate such a variety of emotions and talents on screen made him one of a kind, able to make us both laugh and cry. Few actors today have the range of talent that Williams had. 

Depression is a widespread issue in today's society. Williams's death teaches us to be more attentive to people around us who may be struggling and to offer our support. 

The illness is a battle of the mind, and many people are fighting that battle alone in the dark every day. I have learnt that you never, ever give in to the disease. Depression is an illness, it is not permanent, and it can be healed. Let's pay attention to the small signs in people around us, and help them in their healing. 

The following could be signs of depression: 

• continuous low mood or sadness
• feeling hopeless and helpless
• having low self esteem 
• feeling tearful
• feeling guilt-ridden
• feeling irritable and intolerant of others 
• having no motivation or interest in things
• finding it difficult to make decisions 
• not getting any enjoyment out of life
• feeling anxious or worried
• having suicidal thoughts or thoughts of harming yourself 

 

Physical symptoms include: 

• moving or speaking more slowly than usual 
• change in appetite or weight (usually decreased, but sometimes increased) 
• constipation
• unexplained aches and pains
• lack of energy or lack of interest in sex (loss of libido) 
• changes to your menstrual cycle 
• disturbed sleep (for example, finding it hard to fall asleep at night or waking up very early in the morning) 

Social symptoms include: 

• not doing well at work
• taking part in fewer social activities and avoiding contact with friends
• neglecting your hobbies an interests 
• having difficulties in your home and family life 

(Source: http://www.nhs.uk/Conditions/Depression/Pages/Symptoms.aspx)

If you need help or want to find out more, please visit the mental health charity Mind's webpage (a great organisation which I also volunteer as a mentor for) or the NHS website. 

The Power of the Mind

I recently assisted at a University recruitment event. One of my colleagues mentioned he hadn't slept well the previous night. He explained that he had shoulder pain, despite nothing being wrong with his shoulder. It turned out that he had had an accident in the past which had created severe pain, and even after recovering, his nerves were still sending pain signals to the brain, despite there being very little or no cause. It was as if his body had memorised the feeling and kept reacting despite there being no sign of hurt.

He also told me that the doctors had tried to figure out where in the nerve system the signals were disconnected (thereby failing to create accurate reactions) but couldn't find it.

This reminded me of the anxiety I sometimes have in certain situations, despite there being no threat or danger. An example would be a social event, where I fear that a person may say something hurtful. It is as if my body goes into lockdown mode, my stomach (the organ which most resembles the state of your brain) gets tense, and sometimes I almost feel like crying. I can't pinpoint exactly where the fear is coming from, I just know there have been events in the past where I have felt helpless and have no control. Even if there is just a hint of someone being blunt, my body goes into defense mode sometimes.

Power of the Mind

As mentioned in the previous blog post, the key in these moments is to acknowledge that you are feeling vulnerable, speak to someone you trust and if necessary, take a break and remove yourself temporarily from the situation. If the reactions persist and hinder you from socialising, seek help. Whatever you do, avoid isolation and shame. You can get through this.

It is fully understandable that your body has memorised strong events, and created strong reactions to protect you. It is a great thing to have that defensive reaction in crucial situations. However, your mind and body can be trained into preserving that for when it really matters and enable you to trust yourself and be relaxed in your everyday life.

Vulnerability

Recently, I have been reading Brené Brown's "Daring Greatly and the Importance of Vulnerability" (2012). Vulnerability is such an essential feature when it comes to growing, and connecting with people. Simply acknowledging when we feel that we are out on a rope takes us forward:

"From the field of health psychology, studies show that perceived vulnerability, meaning the ability to acknowledge our risks and exposure, greatly increases our chances of adhering to some kind of positive health regimen"..."What makes this really interesting is that the critical issue is not about our actual level of vulnerability, but the level at which we acknowledge our vulnerabilities around a certain illness or threat." 

Similarly, in the Bible it says: 

"But he said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong." - 2 Corinthians 12:9-10

   Dr Brené Brown

If we acknowledge when we feel weak and vulnerable, and rest in that feeling, avoiding blaming others, we will grow stronger. Brown clarifies that vulnerability is not weakness (e.g. asking (when insecure) a friend whose relative passed away if the friend is ok would be viewed as courage and strength, not weakness.) I believe by "weaknesses" Paul means tough situations, in which it is important to be open and delight in your vulnerability.

Being vulnerable is doing things that appear intimidating, opening up to potential hurt believing that that is right thing to do and that you are good enough.

As the Bible quote above states, God's power is made perfect in weakness. If we take the risks, open up and enter the arena, then we will be rewarded. We are sharpened like diamonds in tough situations if we acknowledge when we feel pain and shame, avoid finger-pointing and gain insights.

God's grace is sufficient for us, even when we are vulnerable, so there is nothing to fear.

Additionally, by being self-assured in tough moments and trusting our worth, we help others feel relaxed too.

Next time you feel that you are removing your shield, acknowledge the feeling and declare "I am a Masterpiece, God's child. No weapon formed against me will prosper. I am perfectly fine as I am. Thank you God for making me stronger."

Giraffes and Turtles

T.D Jakes - Oprah's Lifeclass

Bishop T. D. Jakes

I love this video, and how T.D compares turtles and giraffes and their worldviews. It is so easy to accept someone else's view. However, what T.D so brilliantly points out is that, just because we stand in the same spot, doesn't mean we have the same worldview. I used to be told that my goals were "unrealistic". I now understand that there is no such thing as "unrealistic". God is our Heavenly Father, and he can make all things possible.

We need to lift our eyes and believe in the supernatural, allow it to come to us, and welcome and open up to God's gifts. "We walk by faith not by sight" (2 Corinthians 5:7). We walk by the supernatural, not the natural.

Some people are comfortable in the grass; it is easy to hide from accountability, you don't need to take in as many views. You have got all the food you need within reach.
But we should stretch towards the sky like giraffes, stretch towards the highest branches and beyond. And whenever we hear someone trying to bring us down to their level, have compassion for them, try and lift them up, but also think, that is a turtle speaking, I am going to continue to grow and hold my head up high.

Maya Angelou's Legacy

Maya Angelou passed away yesterday. She left so many wonderful quotes. Here are some of them:

• "I've learned that people will forget what you said, people will forget what you did, but people will never forget how you made them feel."
• "Nothing will work unless you do."
• "If you don't like something, change it. If you can't change it, change your attitude. Don't complain."
• "I've learned that you can tell a lot about a person by the way (s)he handles these three things: a rainy day, lost luggage, and tangled Christmas tree lights."

The first quote is so true. I don't remember all of the negative things people have said to me, partly because some are so painful that my mind has suppressed them. But I remember the feeling. That feeling returns when something similar happens, and I feel  a strong reaction to what someone says. My first thought is: I must have heard this in the past. 

Similarly, I remember when people make me feel good, uplifted, light and positive. And those people we are attracted to even more, right. They make us feel good about ourselves :) . 

The second phrase is a call to action. Personally I can spend a lot of time listening to people, and get inspired, but in the end it all comes down to action: how are you going to implement this lessons in your life? It is like Maya said: "When you learn, teach. When you get, give." Pass it on, pass it on. 

We also need to carefully consider our attitude towards things. I can't change certain people, but I can try and influence. However, I am not going let energy slip away on frustration over not being able to change someone. I am going to do what I can, and focus on: What is God teaching me in all this? 

Similarly, we can't change our past, but we can decide the attitude we will have towards our past. Please don't go around wishing your past was ideal and Mayberry. It is energy that is used towards something we can't change. Focus instead on: What does God want me to do with my past? How has it made me stronger/more experienced/hardworking/courageous? Consider that maybe your past was exactly what is was supposed to be, so that it could prepare you for great deeds in the future. 

The final citation is about being able to tell how someone around you views life. Rainy day? Great for flowers and God's creations to grow, and water reserves to increase. 

Lost luggage? Well, in the end those are all material things. And thinking about it, I can survive without it, while hoping and working towards getting it back. After all, I have got my loved ones here next to me, we are all safe and sound, and that is the most important thing. 

Entangled Christmas lights? God, I can see how you have given me a small test to try my patience, and I will pass it. If I keep my calm, have a good attitude and work slowly and methodically, I will sort out these lights. In your name, Amen!

Rest in peace, Maya. I know that God is taking good care of you.