The Art of Spoiling Oneself

When I lived in Madrid as a 20-year old, there were times when I didn’t have a lot of money. A big part of my spendings included therapy, which was highly important and something I needed to prioritise.  At one point I had 5 euros per week for food. But it worked out, thanks to pasta and tomate frito.

Similarly in Luton, as a student at one point I had £2 for food per day. Back in that time, it was essential to save money, to always look for the cheap option. If I was in the supermarket, I would go for the affordable UHT milk rather than the fresh organic milk which cost 50-70 pence more. Similarly, if I was buying shampoo, I would search and compare among various shops for the cheapest product, even if it took more time.

It was first when I met my husband that he highlighted that I should spoil myself more. I remember going to TKMaxx together as a challenge, and buying a bag without considering the price. I finally purchased  a red Lloyd Baker bag for £60, and spent the following couple of hours haunted by thoughts regarding “What if I hadn’t  bought it?”, “Should I have saved the money instead? Perhaps I will need it in the future.” and so on.

Since we got married and share a household, me and my husband definitely have more money to spend, but as they say “Old habits die hard”. When I used the ASDA app I would still sort the prices, so I would get the cheapest products in the top and that tended to guide my decision.

Psychological explanations could include that I don’t see myself worthy of spending more money than necessary on. It could also be a way of gaining a sense of control. If I only spend money on the cheapest products, than I have control of my money and my life, and don’t need to take any risks. If I still end up with little money, at least I did  the best I could and no one can blame me (including myself).

In her show ‘Masterclass’ Oprah once highlighted that you need to decide that you deserve the best. I wholeheartedly believe in that.

Iyanla Vanzant has stated that even when she started earning a fortune due to her books and tv appearances, she still had a “welfare mentality”. I think I have had a similar “welfare mentality” and have reacted to money as if it was my worst enemy, causing conflicts and stress.

I now realise that always setting my eyes on the product with the lowest price (e.g. only buying clothes during January and August sales) has taken away a lot of the joy and excitement of shopping. One of the things I like about shopping is finding things that represent me, and my goal is to do that regardless of the price.

By spoiling yourself, I don't mean that one should be reckless with money and spend out of control. What I am trying to say in this blog post is that by buying nice things for yourself as a treat, you recognise that you are worthy of it, that it is not something you buy every day, and that you are acknowledging your desires.

These days when I shop at Asda, I try to not sort prices. When  I am out looking for clothes, I decide to switch of the part of my mind which instinctively looks for sale signs, and instead look at colours, models and patterns that I like .

While happiness doesn’t come from material things or people, one can be too careful with spending money, and miss out on the treat which is shopping. 

Broken knee vs. a broken mind

At the latest church meeting in our home, me and my husband decided to talk about mental health. Also, on 5 February, it was 'Time to talk' Day, highlighting the importance of taking 5 min to talk to people you may be concerned about. It could just be something simple like "How are you?" and taking time to listen to someone.

During the meeting, I compared a recent physical injury I had (breaking my knee cap) to dealing with mental health issues such as depression. Below are some of the differences.

The knee injury was public. Anyone could tell from my hopping around on crutches and splint with a degree gague. With mental illness, it is not always public. Certain symptoms maybe visible, but the real depth of the illness can be hard to tell, especially if the person doesn't want to acknowledge the issue.

At work I have received a lot of support which I am very grateful for, such having my chair checked for comfort, being offered a foot rest, being allowed small breaks to improve blood circulation, among other things. At the same time, if someone has a mental illness, that person may not even disclose it to their manager, in fear of stigma and thereby miss out on help.

When I fell on the ice in France and broke the knee cap, I was able to give a clear explanation of the cause of the injury, date and time. With mental illness it can develop over time, and behaviours which started for one reason (e.g. OCD) may be continued for a different reason. When I was young, I was told that my depression was genetical and biological. Having received help over the past years with identifying and recovering from the illness, I can say with confidence that it was not genetical. It is easy to jump to conclusions about why someone is dealing with e.g anxiety, but the reasons are often complex and varied.

Finally, with my knee I can get an x-ray, and see exactly at which stage of the healing process I am at and my doctor will be able to estimate how long it will take before the knee is healed. In therapy, you may circle a number stating your mood and ability to deal with things, but that doesn't mean that the mental illness is gone, it can be a continuing mental battle for years, a fight which hopefully gets easier and easier to win.

Marriage as a battery charger

Talking to my husband this Sunday morning snugging in bed, I realised that coming home should be like charging your batteries, not only physically but emotionally and spiritually as well. There are 3 things I try to remember to say to my husband every day:

- I love you.
- I am proud of you.
- You are the best.

The first phrase is about him not having to pretend, that I love him as he is, for who he is. The second sentence has to do with me being proud of his accomplishments (for himself) and achievements (for the outside world).

Finally I want him to know that he inspires me every day, and that in many ways I look up to him.

Similarly, he supports me. When I have doubts, he reassures me that things will be ok. If I have had a tough experience, he takes time off to pray together. He reminds me everyday that I am beautiful and smart, and feels proud to call me his wife.

Right now I feel I am getting stronger, more confident and laugh more each day. I hope that our marriage stays like that, because I truly believe that is how is should be: a battery charger that keeps refilling you with energy so you stay 100% (and beyond!).

If you are looking for love, my hope is that you find someone who is truly proud of being with you, who supports you in your goals (even if they are widely different to his/hers) and who reinforces you with energy and smiles.

Some relationships work the opposite way, they take energy from the battery. Instead of strengthening words, there is criticism, instead of laughter there is nagging and frustration.

Someone mentioned that this is simply the 'honeymoon' period (me and Josh got married last year). That could be true. However, I believe that because both me and my husband have gone through tough times in life including depression and meltdowns, it has made us stronger, and we have learned the importance of words and positive energy. What I also have learned is that strengthening words don't come automatically, they are a choice.

The Strongest Faith

During the Holocaust Remembrance Day on 27 Jan, Prince Charles read an anonymous poem that had been scratched on the wall by a Holocaust victim. The poem read:

"I believe in the sun, even when it is not shining. 

"I believe in love, even though I don't feel it. 

"I believe in God, even when he is silent."
 
I was touched by this poem as it shows two things. Firstly, the victim didn’t give up his/her faith in God despite the horrors that happened to him/her. Believing in things even when you don’t see them is the essence of faith. 

The other thing that struck me is that the writer believes that God hears him and listens to him, but is “silent”. He/she chose to believe that God is simply not responding, without assuming that God is not there or not listening.

I think we can all learn from the brief poem above, written by someone going through unimaginable suffering while showing immense strength and faith. 

Source: http://www.telegraph.co.uk/history/world-war-two/11371241/Holocaust-Memorial-Day-commemorations-across-Europe-mark-70th-anniversary-of-Auschwitz-liberation-latest.html

Addiction and Depression - Similarities

I recently discovered several similarities between addiction and depression. The main inspiration came from the EFT Universe's list 'Challenges ofAddiction Treatment'. Please note that the below comments are generalisations and based on my own experience. Here we go. 

1. Cravings and Triggers

Environment, people, situations and feelings can be triggers when it comes to e.g. drug abuse. The same is true for depression. The key in both cases lies in identifying the triggers. As someone who has come out of depression the solution lied in identifying what triggered my negative thoughts of self-hate and self-doubt. 

Triggers can be a toxic home environment or other people in your life who don't treat you well. Other triggers could be social situations like parties, or feelings such as tiredness or stress. 

2. Ambivalence

The ambivalent thoughts that come to an addict's mind when giving up a drug are often:

• What will replace it? 

• Will I have to give up my friends? 

• Can I handle the withdrawal? 

(Source: http://www.eftuniverse.com/addictions/challenges-in-addiction-treatment-denial-resistance-ambivalence-cravings-and-triggers) 

Personally, my ambivalence was similar. I felt a fear of what would replace the negative thoughts and self-image that I had. Not knowing myself and how to engage in society with confidence, it was like walking the plank. Will there be other negative behaviours replacing the self-loathing thoughts? Things went well, but there were definitely times of doubt. 

The second point about friends wasn't really an issue, since I didn't have a lot of friends at the time. If there was anything to give up, it was the comfort of not facing reality. 

As for the question about withdrawal, there are definitely times during recovery where you wonder 'Will I be able to handle things on my own without therapy?'. You also want to prove to, and show people, that you have healed, that there's a new you. God knows the breakdowns, panic attacks and other reactions you have had in the past and you want to show people the new you (real you). 

3. Denial and Resistance

Most of the time I suffered from depression I also denied it. The illness had become so normalised in my life, that I thought it was part of me and that I could handle it. I think many people with mental illness do. Also, because it is not a visible illness (such as hurting your knee) you think it is easier to hide. This denial combined with others people's often lack of knowledge and/or unwillingness to reach out, can let the illness go on uncured for several years.

I believe resistance is also common among those suffering from depression. The few times I was offered help as a child, I resisted due to shame, denial and to avoid possible embarrassment. This is what I want parents to know: You MUST get your child treatment, and YES, it will include sacrifice, radical changes and help for the whole family. It is a family issue.

It all starts in the head

13 days ago I broke my knee cap. My husband and I had been out for a pre-birthday meal and on the way home I slipped on the ice. This happened in the tiny village Montgenevre in the French Alps. Next day was spent in the clinic, calling the insurance company among other things. My birthday celebration was cancelled. In addition I was told to wear a splint for 4 weeks while starting a new job. 

It was annoying and painful but I knew I had to decide on the perspective from the start. So I chose to focus on "God, what are you trying to teach me through this?".

Later I have learnt two important things:

- Dependency

I learnt to ask for help more often (e.g. getting a lift). Having lived independently for a long time and traveled alone and lived abroad, my default reaction in a tough situation has been "Too bad. I will manage. Let's move on". A few days ago I suddenly came home knackered from work after walking with the crutches all the way from home in the morning and back in the evening (ca. 45 min each way). 

My husband suggested putting a request on Facebook asking for a lift. It seemed so simple, but it was an idea that never had crossed my mind. I had simply assumed that people knew about the incident and would offer help if they felt like it. My husband's answer was "No, in this country you need to ask for things" (which is also true in life in general I believe.)

I now realise that I need to work on being ok with being dependent, and asking more often for help. It takes strength to be vulnerable! 

- A positive attitude improves healing

Four days after the accident, two out of the three fractures had already healed. I had tried not to moan and complain about the situation and my husband really liked that. I decided to look at it as only temporary and a life lesson. 10 days later I was able to walk at pretty much a normal pace (with the help of crutches) and today, I can finally bend the knee up and down without pain. I hope and believe that by focusing my thoughts on the horizon and not complain, that my knee was able to heal a bit quicker. 

As Rhonda Byrne says in 'The Secret', what you focus on you attract. I want to keep the floodgates of God's blessings open by staying positive!

(Below I am enjoying a delicious a tiramisu at the Turin airport, before speeding through customs :))

Getting De-caffeinated!

I hope you have had a nice, relaxing Christmas break, and are ready to start the New Year!

I recently read about Mind's 10 Day challenge and decided to stay off caffeine for a year! Caffeine is well-known for increasing feelings of stress and anxiety and worsen conditions for people suffering from mental illness.

In fact, one of the main advice from Mind is to avoid caffeine (in addition to alcohol and other substances) to speed up recovery.

I will avoid tea and coffee (with caffeine), energy drinks and painkillers containing caffeine, basically anything containing, you guessed it, caffeine! I would really appreciate if you could support Mind by donating here.

Thanks for all your support!

All the best,

Hermine